I have sung in choirs before. I have played guitar in bands large and small before and taken simple solos on occasion. I have even sung solo and played guitar at the same time. I have even done it on the radio, trying to win tickets to an exclusive gig Red Hot Chili Peppers were doing at London Roundhouse in 2006. (I tell you, what I wouldn’t have done probably isn’t even worth thinking about).
So why is it that my confidence totally fails me when my choir needs me? We lost our wonderful conductor at Christmas as she had too much going on in her life. We are now conductor-less and there are certain songs when a conductor is needed. I can read music. Granted, I don’t so much know how to conduct “properly”, because back in my teaching days I would just vaguely wave my arms and shout things and hope for the best. :p Still, I can keep time and signal when people need to come in with their part and that kind of thing.
My confidence was severely knocked by a chain of events in 2006-7 which kind of put me right back to the way I used to feel at high school. Invisible. Unimportant. Talentless. Ordinary. I am finding it hard this time round to recover from it, even 3 years and a lot of minor triumphs later.
It seems like every time I am asked to take a turn at it, I just freeze. I also go bright red. I have always gone bright red when I know people are looking at me…the only time I don’t is when I can hide behind my guitar. It’s such an embarrassing thing to happen, right when you want to impress! The choir is lovely, full of kind, understanding people. Another lady who can read music has taken a few turns when she would really rather not, too. So I have come home this evening feeling disappointed with myself…but determined to have a go next week.
I have promised the vicar I will practice throughout the week. She said it’s one of those “feel the fear and do it anyway” situations and I think she is right. I wanted a way to develop musically since I had to defer my university studies this year. It’s being offered right in my lap. I think I will affirm confidence and courage throughout the week, then come next Wednesday, take a deep breath, close my eyes and jump into the unknown. As a colleague of mine used to say every Monday morning, “once more into the breach…”
It is also time to start looking at a programme of songs for our summer concert, and for those who wanted to sing solo/duet/small group to look at what they would like to sing. Might as well go the whole hog and volunteer for that too! It’s a long time since I sang anything solo – other than the madness-driven radio (ahem) “performance”, it would have been late 2005 when I last sang solo publicly. Oh, for the love of music…
(If you would like to read more about the community choir I sing with, “All Singers Great And Small”, visit the Take Time Out website listed on the right.)
Just a small update…I have been conducting some of the songs (probably really badly but I’m trying) and today we even performed in front of an audience and I conducted a song. Just to show I can take courage by the scruff of the neck when required to.